Ever feel that pressure build up inside, where there’s so much you’ve got to do, and so much you want to do, that you run away and do nothing instead?
Just read a few online articles? Watch a show? Pace aimlessly around the house?
Because it’s a pressure so terrible, so full of guilt and fear, that if you actually tried to do anything, that thing you were trying to do would seem so small, so petty, such an insignificant fleck of such a huge should-do and want-to list.
Like writing a blog post, for instance, when there are dishes and laundry to do, and you need to call the doctor’s office to make an appointment (but they’re not open), and you need to get “real” writing done, and you’d like to make another sketch, and you need to work out, and pull up the stinging nettle that’s trying to take over the yard, and–
OH! It’s just too much. Because if you try to do any one of those things, you’ll be cringing under the guilt of not doing all the other things, the fear of what will happen because you’re not doing them right now.
But if you can successfully distract yourself, then, hah! You don’t have to feel guilt and fear anymore. The pressure is gone, washed away in the delerium-inducing stream of a Netflix binge or facebook scrolling or munching a string of snacks.
Until you run out of time-nibblers to hide behind.
Until the guilt and fear build up enough to crush through your defenses.
Until a Dire Consequence springs up to punish you.
And then you’re farther behind and far worse off and stretched tauter and stressed tighter.
Or, you can do
Like write a blog post.
And while you’re writing it, you defy the rest of the long and frightful list.
You turn your chin up against the guilt and the fear, and you say,
“Shut up. I’m getting something done.
Shut up, laundry and dishes.
Shut up, appointment I need to make tomorrow.
Shut up, Other Art I Could Be Doing
Shut up, gym,
Shut up, stinging nettle,
Shut up, List,
Because I’m writing a blog post.
I’m writing a blog post even though I want to run away from everything,
And I’m damn proud of me for that.”
And then beam, because you’re getting something done.
And then when you finish, you tell yourself,
“Well done, mate! Good on you. You’re a boss.”
Because you’re right. That was brave of you, not running away.
And then, you turn up some music and go do the dishes.
Shut up, laundry…